你干什么去了呢

你……忙吗？

呵呵，我有那么的没耐性么？也许呢，对于自己欣喜的人与事物都会多一分的好奇，我们不都是这样的吗？

很想给你写封信，可没有你的地址，很蠢吧？科技如此发达，何必舍近求远呢？一个讯息，一句简单的：“hi!”，话匣子就打开了。

算了吧，我们不熟，何必多费唇舌，反正最后换来的大概也是零回复，再不然大概也是冷漠吧。 说起我的搭讪经历，其实也没那么不堪，不过毕竟搭讪字面本身就不太正经了，所以，也没什么特别美好的经历。

我原以为前几篇以英语书写的表达你大概会明白，但兴许你连看都不曾看过呢。我们之间的许多共同之处可能都只是碰巧，我想你确实不会对这样的巧合在意。

这是很平静的一种心情，相信我，自从那次以后，我许久都不曾有过因为情感所致而几近崩溃的激动了。面对这样的淡漠，我心中存有的，其实也是矛盾的心情。

无奈，为何我的热情不再了呢？欣喜，因为平淡正是我的追求。

祝你有愉快的心情，晚安。

Random mood

Well, when I am suffocated under all this pressure of studies and activities held and to be held, it's a saddening fact that I can barely find someone to pour all my dissatisfaction and helplessness, 'coz let's be frank, no one likes to hear your problems and bear with you negativity, even if they are your best friends, your significant other. The only place I can go is here, the private place I kept from most of my social circles.

When people you trusted, again, show their irresponsibility because they think the context is not important, they put no effort in completing tasks they themselves chose to take over, copying everywhere with no credit to the source. When they are encountered and asked to do it again, to refine it, they make only a little, insignificant change and tell you that they think other parts are okay, need no amendment. But why? Just for the sake of passing because it is a non-grading subject? Then why enter college? Why proceed until University? Go get some better things to do, this is no playground for you.

Okay, enough of this. I am making this place a trash can for cries and resentment. I have friends that sincerely care for me, but as well, I don't want to trouble them with my own unhappiness no more. I worry too much sometimes, to an extreme extent, LOL.

I came across this article from Reader's Digest (1980's, found it at home) about some advice to those who worry a lot. It says to, first, be aware of yourself being worried, so that when you do so, you can recognize it and take necessary means (maybe not as easy as it sounds). The next thing to do is to interrupt your "worrying" process and focus on something relaxing or a positive object, tell yourself that you'll have time to worry later but not now. And then, spend 30 minutes each day to do your "worrying".

To some extent, I am practising this, but it is quite hard to distract yourself when you think those things that you worry about need to continue be worried about and the disruption just seems ineffective at all. My mind is too stubborn I guess.

This place is great for me. A perfect place to set my mind at peace, when I find the outside world a bit too disappointing. If I show you more of what I am, would you retract? Would you appreciate me for who I am? I am plain, boring and insipid while you are young and bold. You'd want fresh, stimulating excitement and me? I just want a branch to call at, for now. But hey, you are so different that I too, long for calling at somewhere close to you, haha.

I'm still waiting, you know?

夏末初秋的短暂记录

最初，夏末初秋的我，十多年以后，夏末初秋的我，再三五年后，夏末初秋依旧的我。

夜深总是更轻易地令我变得冲动，做事再也不多考虑。那年是这样，那天又复同样的脾气。这样幼稚地活着，这样固执地活着，究竟是难得，还是愚蠢的？

我干了相当愚蠢的一件事，但我不想将痕迹磨灭掉，所以我用新的一种心情去覆盖它，但不会否认它的存在。

我很喜欢狮子王。从小一直喜欢到现在。以前不会因为喜欢就不停重复地播放，所以我连自己如此喜欢的电影里令人印象最深刻的歌曲都记不太清了。Can you feel the love tonight 固然好听，没得说的，但重看了第二部的狮子王我才发觉，原来我一直最喜欢的狮子王 soundtrack 并不是 Can you feel the love tonight, 而是 Simba 与女儿 Kiara 合唱的 We are one。那才是我最熟悉的狮子王歌曲。

很怀念童年吧。我的童年就是沉浸在卡通和电视节目里的。很抱 歉，我五岁才上幼儿园，那时候，我们还称幼儿园为幼稚园，也因此，或许我们到现在都还比较幼稚吧。我五岁才上幼儿园，对我来说，是一件很高兴的事，我真感 谢妈妈做对了选择，没有早早地把我送入幼儿园里，提早结束我的童年。我就是一直在看卡通、玩玩具、然后晚上和家人一起看港剧的童年里慢慢成长的。

虽然没有在三、四岁的时候就上学，但妈妈还是开始自己教我写字、算术，用相思豆来叫我简单的加、减法。我没有瞎掰，不是因为相思豆听起来比较浪漫所以乱入 的，我妈果然是用相思豆来教我加、减法的。爸爸的办公室后面有棵相思树，会落下红红的，像漆上去一样颜色的小红豆子。装了满满一罐， 我想是爸爸捡给妈妈的，不知何故被用来教我算术。结果我贪玩，很喜欢那些红红，很特别却又只有在学算术的时候才能见到的豆子，趁妈妈不在的时候，翻箱倒柜 地找那个罐子，也不知道如何被我找着的，后来还被我弄不见了好多颗。

我一直没有想起这些相思豆，直到几年级的时候读到了那一首“相思”。

红豆生南国

春来发几枝

愿君多采撷

此物最相思

此后，这首诗不断出现在我小学同学的纪念册里，因为我没来由的莫名喜欢上了这首诗，于是在快毕业的季节里，我每写一次同学的纪念册，这首诗就出现一次，几乎 无例外。这首诗后来还是让我想起了上幼儿园之前妈妈教我算术时候的那些红豆子，我想再去找出来。但无奈，这些豆子似乎在我们搬家之后便不曾出现过了，我也 再没有见到过。

我的童年，除了这些豆子之外，还有练习写英语字母的练习本。我的记忆很深刻，那些练习本，我还记得， 颜色很单调，不是单一的红，就是单一的青，一点都不吸引小孩子的目光。最可怕的是，整本练习本除了 A 到 Z 二十六个字母都练几次之外，还要倒转过来，从 Z 开始写，倒退回 A，然后再加上一些随时随地考你什么字母后面是什么字母、什么字母前面是什么字母的奇怪练习题，直到 A 到 Z 你熟悉到不能再熟悉为止。还好我还有卡通可看，不然应该会闷死。

我最喜欢西游记了。小时候那是我最喜欢的连续剧，由张伟健饰演的悟空，传神啊。小时候太多信以为真的事，不能够接受那都不是真实的，只不过是个虚构的人物。我真希望长大这件事也能像面对这些虚构的人物一样，到了某个不再执着的年龄，你会自然的接受它，自然地不再留恋一些只存在于过去的美好。

不担心，总会有那么一个阶段的。

Hey. Yes, I'm talking to you.

I'm trying to figure out how it is possible that all these are not coincidences but we are virtually checking each other out.

Okay, I admit I read your blog posts, and I might not be welcomed, but this virtual world is an open site for all, right? Unless you limit your blogposts to only certain people. Well, so, at least, I am checking you out. And as soon as I found out that you update your blog frequently, much more frequent than I do, I tried to catch up with you.

That might not look appealing to you, 'cause you simply don't like me. To be frank, I'm ok with that. I just think in case it might be another way round, that I might stand a chance.

This post is the weirdest one I've ever written. Not many people are aware of the existence of this blog, and even if they do, they don't really know who's the person behind it. In the first place, what does "BH" even stand for? Blue skies for hawks? What a funny name one would come up with! 

Yes, and so if you do know the person behind this, you would somewhat know this post is meant for you. And for that, I am going to say to you, hey, I like you, in a friendly way. Even though as I recall back to those times we barely knew each other, and yes, we still know very little of each other, you were not quite a friendly person. But I want to make known to you that even if you are tough, and you are not fun to mess around with, that's ok. That doesn't change the fact that I like you, based on what I learn from reading your posts. 'Cause you don't cry about having lost your relationships, you don't backstab, at least I don't have a clue even if you did.

And many other reasons, tough being one of them, haha.

I realized the other day: despite the fact that we are physically in the same time zone, the setting of our posts are not virtually in the same time zone. Why would I even care about such insignificant details you were asking? 'Cause the timing is often a good tip-off to check things out. So even if you don't care or don't know what I'm talking about here, I just want to let this out, I don't know why.

I saw a line, from the dictionary I installed on my phone, today:

One of the reasons I was put on this earth was for our paths to cross. (from Homeland).

Maybe yes, and maybe no, cause I thought so, too, when I was younger. I had my eyes set on someone else, too captivated until I could not care less of anyone else. But it turned out in vain. You were around, too. I was too young to appreciate people and things different from what I idealize. Going to college and entering university changed my perception towards a lot of things, love, particularly. The more I get in touch with my brethren, and the more I understand about them, the more I wanted to be alone.

I enjoy reading your posts, in spite of the fact that by mentioning 'you' here all the while, you may still not know who you are, and you might not even see this post, it's what I really wanted to tell you. I like you posts, I like your taste, I like you.

冷落

泳池边飘散的叶
泳池旁漂浮被遗忘的浮板
我冷冷看着走过的你们
冷冷吹着被无视的风

托着腮哼着时代远去的调
你眼里他白璧无瑕
你将要仔细雕磨
深刻或许永世不朽的一笔

我独自枯坐在这灰白沙滩椅
拍着你歌曲里的节奏
我喜欢没有浪潮的泳池
情感的岸边再也不被海浪覆盖

不送祝福与你
我冷冷回望
有那么一个岸边
曾经有过等待被海浪覆盖的沙滩

梦见你·释然

為何夢見她
那好久好久以前分手的女孩
又來到我夢中
為何夢見她
這女孩在我日記簿裡早已不留下痕跡

這首歌，在我夢醒的那一刻，自動地在我腦裡迴盪。

我已經好久不曾想起在那些日子裡夢到你的興奮，好久不曾想起自己一遍一遍回憶，極力想要記住夢境的固執。直到現在，我是沒有辦法忘記過去自己付出過的一切。老實說，從我對感情有認知開始以來，只要聽到別人說 “我要忘了他”、“我要忘了那一段感情” 類似這樣的話，我都覺得，這怎麼可能呢？凡走過必留痕跡，怎麼可能你說要忘記就能忘掉？如果真能這樣，這世上就沒有人會有煩惱了。所以，我從來沒有勉強過自己要忘掉什麼關於你的事。

前天晚上，我夢到你了。醒來的時候，我有些開心，不是因為夢見了你，而是因為歌詞裡的事發生在我身上，這是我夢見你的第一個反應。只有在這個反應之後，我才認真的反思自己夢見你，在這麼久之後，是什麼感覺。什麼感覺呢？我也不知道。好像沒有什麼特別的感覺，夢裡我和蘇東在學校食堂裡，你坐在我們附近，而我依然就是中學時的我，在你面前，總是想讓你注意到我而不斷的說着話，卻始終不敢看你一眼。我好奇，這是否也是現在的我呢？我還會那樣嗎？

不是。我知道我已不再是那個我了。兩年，離開中學兩年，你也已經畢業，那所中學，剩下的，留給我的，就只剩下回憶。如果再回去，我不會再抱著或許會遇見你的僥幸心情，也不會因為沒有剛好遇到你而失望嘆息。我會抱著回來重溫回憶的心情，我會抱著追憶當初那個狂熱的自己，走一回我們都走過的那道走廊，再看看物理實驗室裡我們坐過的位置，因為物理老師的課引不起我們的注意而開始唱起歌來的胡鬧，結果好像就是因為那樣，溫馴的老師難得的生氣了，哈！想坐在面對大操場的石椅上，想那一回中三的我和三毛各自說著自己的牽掛。

我還是想去一去那一間在女廁隔壁的教室，我在那裡第一次把自己第一次为你寫的歌唱給蘇東聽，也在那裡的桌子上寫下過一句罵金菠蘿的話。我們的回憶實在太多了，學校隨便一個角落都發生過有趣的事，不管走到哪，我們的腳步都曾經遍布過那個地方，而我偏偏卻最想走向那一個個我等待過你、偷瞄過你、悄悄陪伴過你、和你一同走過、和你一同呆過的地方、那個我們玩遊戲的籃球場、那道放學一定經過的走廊，所有的，你走過的地方，都成了我更想回憶的。我想回憶的，竟已不是我自己走過的，或許，這麼說吧，我走過的，就是因為你走過了，而我大部分的中學回憶，都離不開你。所以，不能怪我只在乎你，不是我仍在乎你，而是我過去把太多的青春目光都投在了你身上。我要回憶青春，就避不開你。

其實，我真的已經不在意了。那晚再次的見面，短暫，有些微尷尬，但令我鬆一口氣的是，與你再次見面之後的我，再也不是那麼不甘不脆，再也沒有那種分別之後思念不斷，做事提不起勁的行屍走肉。我很輕易的回歸自己，或許，因為事情已過去一年多了。

夢見你，我覺得自己短暫的回到了過去的那個自己，也短暫的再回到了校園一遍，更短暫的回到最初純粹的感情，回到我只在乎你的時候。我說短暫，因為，我不可能真正再做回那個自己，也不可能再找回那些逝去的感覺。

今天，寫這一篇，我走了一回回想的路。通過這樣的書寫，我重新回憶校園裡的每一個角落，重新回憶那個時候自己的白痴和愚蠢，總是默默陪伴的……我可以說是“痴心” 嗎？總是默默陪伴的痴心。

無論如何我都該感謝你，沒有你，我不會是今天的我，也不會是有這麼多感觸、這麼多感覺、感受那麼多、情緒那麼多、那麼敏感的我。如果你認得這個名字，謝謝你，永存我心底，不會犯蠢明知忘不掉卻刻意想要忘掉的莫瑾瑄。