Random mood

Well, when I am suffocated under all this pressure of studies and activities held and to be held, it's a saddening fact that I can barely find someone to pour all my dissatisfaction and helplessness, 'coz let's be frank, no one likes to hear your problems and bear with you negativity, even if they are your best friends, your significant other. The only place I can go is here, the private place I kept from most of my social circles.

When people you trusted, again, show their irresponsibility because they think the context is not important, they put no effort in completing tasks they themselves chose to take over, copying everywhere with no credit to the source. When they are encountered and asked to do it again, to refine it, they make only a little, insignificant change and tell you that they think other parts are okay, need no amendment. But why? Just for the sake of passing because it is a non-grading subject? Then why enter college? Why proceed until University? Go get some better things to do, this is no playground for you.

Okay, enough of this. I am making this place a trash can for cries and resentment. I have friends that sincerely care for me, but as well, I don't want to trouble them with my own unhappiness no more. I worry too much sometimes, to an extreme extent, LOL.

I came across this article from Reader's Digest (1980's, found it at home) about some advice to those who worry a lot. It says to, first, be aware of yourself being worried, so that when you do so, you can recognize it and take necessary means (maybe not as easy as it sounds). The next thing to do is to interrupt your "worrying" process and focus on something relaxing or a positive object, tell yourself that you'll have time to worry later but not now. And then, spend 30 minutes each day to do your "worrying".

To some extent, I am practising this, but it is quite hard to distract yourself when you think those things that you worry about need to continue be worried about and the disruption just seems ineffective at all. My mind is too stubborn I guess.

This place is great for me. A perfect place to set my mind at peace, when I find the outside world a bit too disappointing. If I show you more of what I am, would you retract? Would you appreciate me for who I am? I am plain, boring and insipid while you are young and bold. You'd want fresh, stimulating excitement and me? I just want a branch to call at, for now. But hey, you are so different that I too, long for calling at somewhere close to you, haha.

I'm still waiting, you know?

夏末初秋的短暂记录

最初，夏末初秋的我，十多年以后，夏末初秋的我，再三五年后，夏末初秋依旧的我。

夜深总是更轻易地令我变得冲动，做事再也不多考虑。那年是这样，那天又复同样的脾气。这样幼稚地活着，这样固执地活着，究竟是难得，还是愚蠢的？

我干了相当愚蠢的一件事，但我不想将痕迹磨灭掉，所以我用新的一种心情去覆盖它，但不会否认它的存在。

我很喜欢狮子王。从小一直喜欢到现在。以前不会因为喜欢就不停重复地播放，所以我连自己如此喜欢的电影里令人印象最深刻的歌曲都记不太清了。Can you feel the love tonight 固然好听，没得说的，但重看了第二部的狮子王我才发觉，原来我一直最喜欢的狮子王 soundtrack 并不是 Can you feel the love tonight, 而是 Simba 与女儿 Kiara 合唱的 We are one。那才是我最熟悉的狮子王歌曲。

很怀念童年吧。我的童年就是沉浸在卡通和电视节目里的。很抱 歉，我五岁才上幼儿园，那时候，我们还称幼儿园为幼稚园，也因此，或许我们到现在都还比较幼稚吧。我五岁才上幼儿园，对我来说，是一件很高兴的事，我真感 谢妈妈做对了选择，没有早早地把我送入幼儿园里，提早结束我的童年。我就是一直在看卡通、玩玩具、然后晚上和家人一起看港剧的童年里慢慢成长的。

虽然没有在三、四岁的时候就上学，但妈妈还是开始自己教我写字、算术，用相思豆来叫我简单的加、减法。我没有瞎掰，不是因为相思豆听起来比较浪漫所以乱入 的，我妈果然是用相思豆来教我加、减法的。爸爸的办公室后面有棵相思树，会落下红红的，像漆上去一样颜色的小红豆子。装了满满一罐， 我想是爸爸捡给妈妈的，不知何故被用来教我算术。结果我贪玩，很喜欢那些红红，很特别却又只有在学算术的时候才能见到的豆子，趁妈妈不在的时候，翻箱倒柜 地找那个罐子，也不知道如何被我找着的，后来还被我弄不见了好多颗。

我一直没有想起这些相思豆，直到几年级的时候读到了那一首“相思”。

红豆生南国

春来发几枝

愿君多采撷

此物最相思

此后，这首诗不断出现在我小学同学的纪念册里，因为我没来由的莫名喜欢上了这首诗，于是在快毕业的季节里，我每写一次同学的纪念册，这首诗就出现一次，几乎 无例外。这首诗后来还是让我想起了上幼儿园之前妈妈教我算术时候的那些红豆子，我想再去找出来。但无奈，这些豆子似乎在我们搬家之后便不曾出现过了，我也 再没有见到过。

我的童年，除了这些豆子之外，还有练习写英语字母的练习本。我的记忆很深刻，那些练习本，我还记得， 颜色很单调，不是单一的红，就是单一的青，一点都不吸引小孩子的目光。最可怕的是，整本练习本除了 A 到 Z 二十六个字母都练几次之外，还要倒转过来，从 Z 开始写，倒退回 A，然后再加上一些随时随地考你什么字母后面是什么字母、什么字母前面是什么字母的奇怪练习题，直到 A 到 Z 你熟悉到不能再熟悉为止。还好我还有卡通可看，不然应该会闷死。

我最喜欢西游记了。小时候那是我最喜欢的连续剧，由张伟健饰演的悟空，传神啊。小时候太多信以为真的事，不能够接受那都不是真实的，只不过是个虚构的人物。我真希望长大这件事也能像面对这些虚构的人物一样，到了某个不再执着的年龄，你会自然的接受它，自然地不再留恋一些只存在于过去的美好。

不担心，总会有那么一个阶段的。

Hey. Yes, I'm talking to you.

I'm trying to figure out how it is possible that all these are not coincidences but we are virtually checking each other out.

Okay, I admit I read your blog posts, and I might not be welcomed, but this virtual world is an open site for all, right? Unless you limit your blogposts to only certain people. Well, so, at least, I am checking you out. And as soon as I found out that you update your blog frequently, much more frequent than I do, I tried to catch up with you.

That might not look appealing to you, 'cause you simply don't like me. To be frank, I'm ok with that. I just think in case it might be another way round, that I might stand a chance.

This post is the weirdest one I've ever written. Not many people are aware of the existence of this blog, and even if they do, they don't really know who's the person behind it. In the first place, what does "BH" even stand for? Blue skies for hawks? What a funny name one would come up with! 

Yes, and so if you do know the person behind this, you would somewhat know this post is meant for you. And for that, I am going to say to you, hey, I like you, in a friendly way. Even though as I recall back to those times we barely knew each other, and yes, we still know very little of each other, you were not quite a friendly person. But I want to make known to you that even if you are tough, and you are not fun to mess around with, that's ok. That doesn't change the fact that I like you, based on what I learn from reading your posts. 'Cause you don't cry about having lost your relationships, you don't backstab, at least I don't have a clue even if you did.

And many other reasons, tough being one of them, haha.

I realized the other day: despite the fact that we are physically in the same time zone, the setting of our posts are not virtually in the same time zone. Why would I even care about such insignificant details you were asking? 'Cause the timing is often a good tip-off to check things out. So even if you don't care or don't know what I'm talking about here, I just want to let this out, I don't know why.

I saw a line, from the dictionary I installed on my phone, today:

One of the reasons I was put on this earth was for our paths to cross. (from Homeland).

Maybe yes, and maybe no, cause I thought so, too, when I was younger. I had my eyes set on someone else, too captivated until I could not care less of anyone else. But it turned out in vain. You were around, too. I was too young to appreciate people and things different from what I idealize. Going to college and entering university changed my perception towards a lot of things, love, particularly. The more I get in touch with my brethren, and the more I understand about them, the more I wanted to be alone.

I enjoy reading your posts, in spite of the fact that by mentioning 'you' here all the while, you may still not know who you are, and you might not even see this post, it's what I really wanted to tell you. I like you posts, I like your taste, I like you.