25 October 2015

非关青春


我一直觉得青春已与我无关。我的灵魂不适合把热血挂在嘴边,真的。之前看到表姐在美国拍到的彩色摇椅和一、两位坐在摇椅上看海的老人,她的标题这么写着:当有一天我老了,我要坐在摇椅上,看海。我看到照片,心里觉得很漂亮,想着的却是:何必等老了,你现在也可以这么做。


所以,青春,似乎真的已与我无关。


这是一部电视剧,如果你听过电影 《左耳》 的话,这其实就是 《左耳》 的电视剧版。马来西亚最近最夯的中文电影应该就是 《我的少女时代》 了。这两部电影的设定都是主角处在青春期的背景,但,虽然我还没看过后者,据我所知,这是两部性质不太一样的电影。


《左耳》 在马来西亚没有上映,但却入围了金马奖好几个项目,其中因为我的偏好,我比较想提到的是最佳女配角这个项目。女配角扮演者叫马思纯,角色名字叫黎吧啦。说过了,我不评价电影好坏,也不评价演员演技,我特别会提到这一部电影只是因为我喜欢的歌手将会出演电视剧版的这个角色。我很罗嗦是吧?半天了,原来只是因为一个中国好声音的歌手。嘻嘻,不好意思嘛。之前说过加入微博只为追星追的就是她,马吟吟。我们称她马哥。原本粉丝后援会建立了好 几个粉丝群,于是我也申请加入了,当然,吟吟本身也在群里,这才是最重要的一点。她几乎每一天至少会在群里出现一次,和粉丝们打招呼,有时还会和粉丝们闹着玩。群里很热闹,不时有人聊天说话。那阵子实习还没开始,我放着期末考之后仅有的几天假,对着手机可以对上一天,因为和偶像在同一个空间里的感觉实在太奇妙了,所以我一整个变得有点蠢,好像失去理智一样,身边的人对我这样的行径既无奈又觉得好笑。

实习开始之后,时间上有点吃不消了,于是 我自动退群,这么想想,其实我还挺理智的,原本担心会变脑残粉的焦虑根本是无稽之谈,我太清楚自己了,哈哈。对于偶像这件事,我从没有在这里提过。不知从 什么时后开始,我对“偶像”这词有了偏见,对我来说,我喜欢的歌手、演员、艺人、作家,我都不会称他们为偶像,他们是我欣赏的人,我的学习对象。偶像,那是什么东西?用来摆的吗?抱歉,我这人比较极端。

马吟吟不是我的偶像,对于我喜欢的人,没有所谓“偶像”的称号。她是我非常喜欢的一位歌手,气质太重要了,气质焕发的人总是最令人目眩神迷,而有智慧、有气质、声音又特别吸引人的歌手就更令人欣赏了。对于她止步好声音十一强我没什么看法,歌 唱节目本来就很主观,还好我看了这一季的好声音,否则我也就不会认识到这么有才华的一位女歌手。她的发展很不错,虽然进不了十强了,但却加入了电视剧的演出,为了这个,很早就戒了电视剧的我,开始期待电视剧赶快杀青,然后播出。

因为吟吟要出演黎吧啦这角色,我特地看了《左耳》这本小说,还看了电影。我总觉得主角虽然不是吧啦,故事却一直围绕着她。作为主角的李珥在吧啦死后(不好意思,我也不想剧透)几乎就在延续吧啦的精神。而且,无论在作者的笔下还是后来在电影里的呈现,吧啦的性格相对鲜明,也绝对任性。要说这是一部关于青春的电影,我不太同意,它比青春还要多一些,它关于选择、关于人性、关于友谊、关于付出、关于牺牲、关于爱。它不是挂着热血青春口号的一部电影,它要说的,是青春背后,更多的面向、更多的无奈与错失。但我可以向你保证,青春之后,无论经历了什么错失莠败,人终究会成长,而过去的遗憾,或许会带来另一种领悟,结局,是美好的。

吟吟在电视剧里会有怎样的表现我非常期待,也许我会看到一个不一样的黎吧啦,比电影更细节化,更仔细,更深透。

原谅我一次,哈哈,我太喜欢这位歌手兼演员了,我要晒很多她漂亮的剧照。

冷艳的吧啦




哈!


等谁呢?美女


吧啦也有羞涩的时候?


你在找我吗?




 


吧啦的小逗


黎吧啦,你很有名
 

吧啦家后巷的天空










18 October 2015

Here is to you, my complaints and what is truly the realisation behind

While I was working on reviewing some documents at a client's place, the radio they were listening to blasted out "Can you feel the love tonight~ ", that is one of my favourite songs from The Lion King. Well, who doesn't love The Lion King? And who, who loves The Lion King, doesn't know this song?

So I realized they were listening to Lite FM, which is my favourite, too. If it were not for the reason that I was working, I would gladly join the lady who sat adjacent to my place in humming the tune of those songs, so familiar to me. It was playing Come on Eileen, and which reminded me, every time I listened to it, the movie that gave me the most significant influence to who and what I am today, which is also the movie that I came to know about this song.

Talking about working, I am still new to this job. So new that I have merely an idea of what I am doing each day, you know, even as they have always told us to understand what you are doing and not just following blindly what has been done in the past, you just couldn't help but repeat the recurring tasks that had been done earlier, and sad to say, quite blindly.

Sometimes, I was left alone to some tasks (but never left alone for lunch) but surprisingly, I could complete it within time. I'm not proud of this, I'm only blessed to know that my manager who assigned me to all this is a very wise person, giving me the satisfaction of being able to work independently and submit work done on time. If she were not wise enough, that couldn't be accomplished as it would need an estimation on my ability to handle tasks assigned.

The challenges that I face? Well, much more than I have expected. I'm kind of glad that I insist to Mom and Dad on getting me a car. Even though I have hit something on the road and have it sent back to my hometown for repair, and that is why I went on my second week without my own car, and that is also when I realized that having your own car in this job is so so so important you could never imagine. You need it because you will need to visit your client's place so often, that the time you spent in office will never equal to those hours you spent at your client's. When I was asked to go to this client's place or that client's place, right, without my car, I would need to think of a way of reaching there. You are lucky if your senior is willing to give you a ride, and yes, I'm lucky in this sense as one of them is staying around where I stay.

Nevertheless, there is this one day, when finally, I needed to go to another client's place, and the senior staying near me had to go a different place, I found myself in a difficult situation, and that's not the end. I asked for help, of course, from the only senior possible of giving me a ride because he is the only person going there with me. Still, I considered myself lucky, as he agreed to give me a ride. Anyway, things went the other way the next day, just as I was waiting for my senior A to come, he called and informed me that we were not going to the client's anymore, we had to visit the place where we have been frequently visiting for that week and as he stays near there, there was no way he would come this far to my place to pick me up. I quickly contacted the senior B who stays near my place as he would also be going to the same place.

Too bad he was already on his way, so I tried taxi booking, but it was so bad not even a single taxi driver was willing to take up the booking. I was really left with no choice so I sought help from another senior C, staying quite far away from where I stay. She asked me to take the LRT and go to this station where she's staying near to, so I did, the LRT took around an hour and a half to reach the station and that's when the story turned again.

She called just as I reached the station and told me that there's something wrong with her car, she couldn't start her car engine. So I took a taxi from that station, coz there were a lot of taxi drivers waiting there, and we agreed to go to her place to pick her up and we'd go to the client's together in the taxi.

Wait, that wasn't end of the story. When we were about to reach her place, ["we" here is referring to the taxi driver and me :) ] Senior A called and told me that the manager needed me to be in the office. Well, do you know where my office is located at? Just 15 minutes car ride from where I stay. And I took the trouble for travelling in an LRT for an hour and a half to be here now where it is really far away from the office and right, I had to go back to the office.

I am complaining, yes, I am. I don't deny something so apparent. But I am not complaining about anyone, I am complaining about the situation that I was in, I am also partly complaining about myself and the mistake that I did to my car which contributed to the miserable situation I had to face later.

I told my sis about this day that is so unlucky to me and she said, you should really write about it, you know, the typical "an unlucky day" essay we were taught to write about with all kinds of made up stories inside which would seem impossible to be happening to anyone. Well, it happens, and to me.

So there goes the story.

Well, I think one valuable thing I learnt, not from this mishap, but from dunno who, what and when, to be positive and find the good side in all situations. I might complain a lot, but deep down, I know what actually is on my mind, which, contradicting to the negativity that I complain about, seems to be more realistic and closer to the fact that I attach myself to.

An example here. My manager, seeming to always send me here and there and to different seniors to engage in different tasks. Deep down, I know she is actually a wise person. She wants me to familiarize myself to everyone in the team and in the mean time, familiarise myself and adopt to the different situation and dilemma that I might face later in the job. She gave me some simple tasks which seem insignificant, but I realized, if I couldn't even control the simplest facilities in the office, I won't be good enough to handle bigger tasks.

I know there are always how's and why's in all the things we encounter, I kind of know why now that it happened to me. It is so to make me a stronger and a better person. I am certain about this.

Alright, that's for now :)

12 October 2015

记布鲁第一次受重伤

不是自暴自弃,但人总有觉得自己很没用的时候。

我总是在事情发生以后无法停止地悔恨自己的无能,只是那都是枉然的,错失已成,再怎么悔过也换不回失去的一切。

实习开始了一周,暂时只进行了简单的训练,明天才会正式着手工作上的事务。听起来似乎挺厉害的,但我实在也没有头绪,我唯一清楚的,是明天将会到客户那里去办事,而我必须搭德士到那里去,近一个小时车程。

所以,这就说到了为什么我必须搭德士了。昨晚,从波德森回到芙蓉,我在家呆了很短一段时间,就开着布鲁来到租住的地方。路上,就在快要到达的时候,因为一向鲁莽的驾驶,我把布鲁开过了路上一大洞,车子的自动变速器瞬间被洞口冒出的不明物体撞破,车下冒出白烟,我连忙把它停在路边。这一停,布鲁再也动不了。不是死火,引擎和其他一切都还完好,只是无论如何布鲁就是不动了,油门如何催,只有轰轰声,布鲁纹丝不动。

我当下很心急,手机也不知道落在了哪里,无法求救。下车见有个女生在等巴士,上前向她借手机。城市人的冷漠,我从不会否定,因为那是事实,也许诈骗事件太多,有心帮人的也再不敢轻易伸援手。也许我总是受上天眷顾,也或者,不幸中仅存的小幸,她很大方,且也很聪明谨慎地打开了扩音,用手握着自己手机,让我拨号。

拨完电话,她嘱咐我小心,搭上巴士走了。我回到车上,等爸妈的救援,远水救近火。我坐在车子里,不停回想自己的愚蠢和鲁莽。自责、悔恨、恼怒、担忧,各种负面的情绪爬满心,我只能无助地坐在哪里,等。

接下来的事就不说了。我只能怪责自己的无用,同时想着修车的费用要从户口里提出来,数目大概不少,因为自动变速器价格实在不菲,我突然想打消去台湾的计划,心里又不停地自责起来,又想起这错失的代价已经够我买好几份妹妹今年的生日礼物。我所有的计划突然看起来都不比这错失昂贵。

原本美好的周末在似乎永无止境的自责中完结。不过,我还是要说,一切美好的,是不会因为不美好的那部分而完全被磨灭。我们的相聚开始在我心里占据分量。原本让我觉得格格不入的一群人在我疲惫的训练周之后给了我莫大的安慰。一切是那么熟悉而亲切。

我学着感恩,是的,感恩,无论事情多糟,总有让人感到温馨的部分。

神,我接受一切不如意,只为迎接祢精心部署的最终的美好。我知道,我一直信任祢,我深信,这世界,是相对公平的。


2 October 2015

就又胡言乱语了一番

期末考结束了。那天,我们又去了一次小云顶,和 Pat,和 Grace。在上山的那一段路,我把空调关了,他们说要摇下车窗,吹风。

还是那个地方,同一个落脚点。

我终于搞懂了去小云顶的路怎么走,却再也没有想和谁同去的念头。让我有点遗憾的,不是这,而是我那忘在了后座背包里的 CD,开上这条路,当然要有一些像样的歌曲伴奏。

在那呆了很短的几分钟,又开着车向狂欢的路去了。其实,什么是狂欢呢,我想我必须接受自己就是一个疯不起来的人,可能我的热情早已在那一个个被阳光晒得微红的脸向我笑着看过来的午后都蒸发尽了。我只能认真地看着那荧幕上的字眼,一句句跟着哼,再看着那一幕幕离别,以往,那会撕碎我的心,但我不知从什么时候开始变得那么地漠然,我也不知该高兴还是为自己的冷漠忧伤。

二十一岁的生日很简单地过了。没有庆祝的习惯,多年来一直如此。虽不是生日礼物,但今年,父母给了我一份,对我来说,最具意义的礼物,我想,没有意外的话,我会一直开着它,虽然它有些老,然而我已不打算把它换掉,直到它宣告死亡吧。出来以后就少一份顾虑、少一份贷款、少一份负担。这确实,是很具意义的礼物。它是蓝色的,我最喜欢的颜色。对,我知道从这博名上看得出来,不过我从未如此宣告过,对吧?我给它取了个名字,叫布鲁。BLUE 音译,布鲁。爸妈送我的成年礼,将陪伴我走上社会第一步的伙伴,布鲁。

接下来,嗯,再过三天的时间,我会迎来全新的生活,实习。

说实话吧,我不怎么期待,反而有些担忧。不过我会全力以赴,做好了被骂和加班的准备。干我们这一行的,加班几乎逃不过,更休想在实习期随便糊弄过去,帮人跑腿、泡咖啡、买杂志的事轮不到我们,要真是这样,实习的学分会被当掉。当初申请了四间公司,全是同一类的工作,福利也都差不多,我收到了两家通知,电话面试、组别面试,然后也都收到了录取通知,这个过程里面,也见识到了社会的现实和残酷。

这种认知建立在一个旁观者的冷眼旁观里,其实,虽残酷,但也在预料之中,更残酷的是,这种现实和残酷,更是在情理之中。我才发觉,是我变得冷漠了吧,我一直坚持的淡然其实早已走成了漠然。暂时改变不了这种冷漠,我只希望,在实习期间,我能收获到的,除了看清这社会更深层的现实面之外,还能学到实际的、讲堂里听了太多的经验之谈,却从未能从课文里设身体验的工作。我希望,在这一方面,我还能保有求知若渴的心态,虽然我从来未曾爱上过它。

然后,才过了成年日,我竟有些失去理智地开始追星,开了微博一段日子了,原本还算安静的只静静地关注她,最近却加入了由粉丝后援会开办的 Chatgroup 。时时等待女神降临,向着脑残粉之路迈进,有点服了自己。她人确实很好,虽忙,几乎每天都会和我们打招呼。不做作、很有个性,我就是追星,也从不盲目。不过我估计,过一阵子吧,过一阵子,等我开始忙起来了,不会再那么频繁地在群里流连窥屏。我和 Pat 说过的,我其实是理智的,去不到脑残粉的境界,就是等专辑出来,到时就是这里不卖,还是会想办法弄到手。顶多这样吧,我还能追到什么境界呢?

然后,你,我还没忘记,我说过没什么曾经牵挂过的人是能够如此忘掉的。也许因为我追起了星,最近也很任性的一直在干自己想干的事,所以牵挂并没有很深刻。前头提到我的热情早已蒸发尽,大概也是因为我刚告别了你。放心,我从未如此冷静,所以,没什么放不下的。就当自己又蠢了一轮,又不是没蠢过。只是记忆里的美,谁也磨灭不去,这是真心的。

就这样吧,太晚了,我也已累得眼皮像被大象压着。我睡去了。